Midnight cooking

Hi all, once again posting from the dead of night. I am doing one of the few things that I find still brings me some measure of peace and stability to my wacky life. I am cooking something that I know I will need this week. I even have a tumblr account dedicated to some of these recipies I have either learned, or occasionally created. Food has always been a huge part of my memories from both this and past lives. It has also had an emotional effect on me this life that I just can't figure out. In response to this, I have been calculating the amount of money that I spend on food, trying to see where I can't cut costs without it having a significant, negative impact on my health. Seeing that I don't have much as it is, this wasn't exactly going to be easy.

Then it hit me, rather hard too. The one food I love more than almost anything else is bread. I had cut out almost all treats, switched to.canned and frozen veggies and was making beans about twice a week. I am still trying to keep as close to a vegan diet as possible, so I still buy soymilk. I just don't drink too much it an stick to store brands. Bread, however, was expensive. This was doubly so for the types that didn't use milk as an ingredient. It was a huge drain on my already stretched budget.

The store bought bread was expensive, however I soon noticed that flower was relatively inexpensive, so I went out in search of a good recipe for vegan bread. Surprisingly the search lead me strait to another Blogspot blog. eased Vegan life had the perfect recipe for bread. Only three ingredients, it was exactly what I needed.

A month or so later and some tweaking to the recipe, mainly in how long the bread is allowed to rest and rise, I come to my tiny loaf cooling in the microwave. Due to my preference of denser breads and my lack of an interest in sandwiches the dough is only allowed to rise once, and I usually give it about an hour. My purpose for the bread is mainly to serve as a Abaci that I can't eat with some coffee on the way to work. I know it may seen cheep, but something about it feels almost more natural than the cereal I grew up with. I will likely make a few more loaf-like creations when my son is older, so that he can't take it as a sandwich to school, or other things more interesting than that, but it will be a few years so I have time.

In any case, it is getting late, and there are still a few, non-food related things for me to do. Blessed be, and see you all about.
Shilo

The circles we run in

Here I am, back after another hiatus of trying to keep the family together. Thank the Gods it's fall again. As I said in my previous blog, the autumn energy keeps me feeling a bit more optimistic, but even that hasn't kept me going as much as it usually has. Winter is coming, and with it, obscenely high power bills which are my job to pay. Normally this wouldn't be much of an issue, however with my mate making next to nothing, and being in no position to help, I am more than a bit strapped for cash. To top it all off, my baby boy has been to see the doctor three times this month over a mystery fever that no one quite understands. It would be one thing if he had an infection of some sort. An infection I can treat, a mystery fever that has had no other side-effects than a runny nose, or heightened white blood cell count is crazy. And even those two side-effects didn't occur at the same time. I do have health insurance, but even the modest co-pay on that is starting to really kill my reserves of cash. Trying to make ends meet, I have been looking about online for some writing jobs, but those I feel I am qualified for are in short supply. It could be simple inexperience, or possibly nerves as I am reluctant to put myself out on a limb, even though I am seeing no other way. My family has always been very financially conservative, and I greatly dislike wasting money in any way. It rather plays into a few issues with anxiety I have been having. Nothing really related to past lives in any way, simply with watching people this life. I know I should probably get some help with it, but to be perfectly honest I am not sure how well it would work. To complicate things I honestly don't think I have the money for such things. Also, my suspicions are that any psychologist I see would likely want to put me on medication, which I am usually against taking. It's not that I don't believe it would help, but I see medications for most illnesses, both physical and mental, to be more of a temporary solution and I would prefer to find something more permanent. Especially since I know I don't have the money for any sort of medication. I barely make enough to afford the cold medication at the dollar tree. On jobs, I am planning on creating a blog based on a few of my interests on Stumble Upon. I have greatly enjoyed wandering around the internet on it, and have found some fairly interesting articles on neuro-psychology, a bit of sarcasm in philosophy, and plenty of interesting cognitive psychology pages. It would be interesting to see what, if any feed back I get from my crazy perspective on the subjects. In any case, my son is waking, and lunch is almost cooked. I will see you all around, and hopefully more fequently now. Blessed Be, Shilo

Autumn musings

Fall is in the air, and autumn energies have always made me feel hopeful. This is especially true as Halloween approaches. The harvest time is always a time I want to set goals, sort of like a new year's resolution. Unfortunately, I can't say many of these changes have lasted as long as I would like. However each year is a chance to improve on the last, so once again I am going to try to improve my life and this time, make it stick.

One of my major goals is to understand myself better, both in terms of the person I am becoming this life, and all of the places I have been in past lives. At the moment, the largest mystery concerning my past lives as they effect the one I am living now is what kind of elf I was, and what kind of influence it could have on my mind now. I know from a very early age I had trouble understanding other people, and even thinking at a very young that I would never grow up like them. It is kind of an odd thought for child under ten years old. I remember fearing growing up, because I saw myself as having a harder and harder time making and keeping friends in the future. It could be a case of special snowflake, but I always believed that it would be worse for me to pretend to be interested in random things I considered to be 'junk', just to get friends based on lies. I didn't shun things because they where popular, but I didn't just jump on all of the fads either.

Also, as I grew up, my classmates began to make less and less sense to me. It's not that I didn't pay attention to.what they where talking about, I just never had much to say about the latest pop music, or the latest fashion fad. Things hit rock bottom when I hit middle school, and transferred to a tiny private school. When I say this place was tiny, we had a graduating class of 42. There wasn't a lot of variety in my school. I was a bit on the goth side in school, and usually much more interested in reading than anything else, especially anything fantasy. I tried to interact with my classmates quite frequently, however most of of my attempts ended rather badly.

Once I hit college, my efforts actually got me some measure of success, probably because there where more people at my college than there where in my tiny high school/middle school. It was also a good time to work on my social skills. I always knew I stuck out and was lagging behind in these, supposedly 'basic' skills, but I really only know how far out I was know, when I asked a good friend, and she told me that it was like I was socialized 'in space'. She knew about 'kin, but she also thought that it was a fantasy and just an odd belief. Coupled with the fact I didn't know about 'kin into well into my first semester and this knowledge couldn't have had any influence on my life in high school.

Now that I have a bit more life experience from this life I am going to continue trying to understand where I have been. I have almost no really memories from past lives, but in all honesty, many of these past life memories are as 'clear' as many memories from this life, though I take this with a grain of salt as I have very few memories from adolescence that I really want around anymore, and have a bad memory to begin with. What I was in past lives, I am not quite sure, I feel that I was very connected to both working with magical flows, and in a sense, programming things similar to the software programs used by computers now. I still have a great interest in programming, but issues focusing for long periods of time is making that, as well as any studies trickier than they should be.

I do remember being much more confident in other lives, but I remember having a much easier time finding a niech in society that I felt competent in. It has always been an issue then and now, how I feel about myself often is influenced by how competent and intelligent I feel. This life isn't a good life for this, so I am working on picking myself up and improving myself so I can't be successful and be a good example for my little bit.

But it is autumn, and time for reflecting on where I have been and discover where I can't go from there. T My main goals are to understand my past more, and to re-introduce myself to programming. I am going to stick to Java, mainly because it was the langue I was first introduced to, and I still have some basic skills. I also have a basic skills set, and the materials I need to begin again. I will also, gods willing, explore some meditation about once a week, simply to explore the person I have become and how I got here.

In any case, it is a bit late and I have to be up early. Blessed be and see you all about.
Shilo

A long week

It's been a rather long week. In the midst of getting ready for school and trying to find the money to pay, I have had a few other set-backs. At work, my hours are not what they could be. I love having my child with me, but it's making work a bit more complicated than I think it ought to be. To compensate, I am trying to work harder in other areas of my life, and am trying to sell a few things on e-bay. A few novelty espresso cups ought to be going up in the next few days. I have always had a thing for espresso and I was thinking that it would go well with a slightly tart vanilla pound cake I recently made. I am going to be trying to sell the recipe for this pound cake along with the cups for kicks and giggles. Most likely I will be converting it, and a few other inexpensive recipes into a PDF booklet and selling it separately. The shop will be attached to my tumblr blog as well as a cafe press page. After all, what's the fun of having a bunch of fun recipes and nothing cute to put it in?

In addition to the problems with working and school, my mate and I have been running into a few of our own problems. He hasn't had a load in days, and his co-driver recently quit on him. This leaves him out in Illinois with only layover pay. It's enough for him to live on relatively well, but it's not going to be helping here and it's making us both anxious. Anxious to the point where we are snipping at each other for no good reason. It's not good for our relationship, but the good part is we both realize that this isn't what we are all about. I suppose it's just what happens when two dramatic people fall in love, nothing dangerous, just soap-opera style drama.

After all is said and done, things do look like they are going to get better. I am making some progress on understanding myself this life. I am going to try taking a cleansing bath tonight before I sleep, and hopefully I will be able to pull up some more memories and a better understanding of where I have been. If I get lucky, this new self-understanding will also help with some of my self-esteem issues this life. I have had many issues with my self-image this life, though none seem to be related to past lives I feel that any improvement in one part of my life will be able to positively influence everything. Feeling more confident about my identity and any ability I have will help me find confidence in all areas of my life because I will be able to see myself as successful. It may seem to be a bizarre idea to some, that confidence in a spiritual sens of my self could carry over to other areas, but it's a simple psychological trick. As I feel I'm more capable, even if it is simply confidence in my spiritual identity as an elf it will help me feel more confident  in general and make everything else easier because I expect it to be.

In any case, things are crazy at the moment, but with luck they will start to look up soon. It is almost time for work, so I will see you all about later.
Blessed Be and talk later.
Shilo

The first anniversary

Since my mate has been on the road so much, I have not been able to spend much time with him. However he did manage to get home for our one year anniversary, and he have me a lovely surprise. My live doesn't cool often, but he can make a few lovely things when he puts his,mind to it.

I was told that I 'needed' to bring home a bottle of wine, or it just wouldn't 'be right'. I. Ofcourse, rolled my eyes at my mate, thinking he was just being silly, but I got the wine anyway. It wasn't the best bottle, but I'm broke as ever any way. I thought I was just going to be something he picked up, but it Tue.a out that my love had made me veggies and rice. I know what you're thinking, but that is one of my favorite things he cooks. I like all kinds of foods, but some things are best kept simple.

With the wine and meal by candle light, I so believe my first anniversary as a married woman was complete. It was romantic and considerate, but not mushy to the point of idiocy. The perfect idea.

Not much else us going in. See you all about and blessed be.
Shilo

random thoughts

I looked into a mirror, and was that really me? It looks like me, maybe this is what others see when they tell me I look so much younger than I really,am. I don't remember my cheek bones being so high, or my eyes being quite that color. I see a young nineteen year old girl, but she's not the one looking out of those eyes back at me. I see the elf I really am. It's only a glimpse, maybe just my mind playing tricks on me and knowing what I want to be told more than anything else.

"You silly elven girl, who is both too young and old for your own good. No one expects perfection out of you. At the same time, no slacking this life. You have so much to do and learn. You are missed and loves, and it will all make sense soon."

Maybe my mind, and maybe not, however I care not,I needed the boost and now I think things will be better.

Leased be and ttyl

Getting back to life

I really do apologize for the long hiatus. I have been having issues with an unusually bad illnesses, and then a bit of depression from all of the drama in my life. I have had the same cough for almost a month, and it is old as I have not the time or money to be sick. At the moment, my grandfather is battling cancer again, only this time it is serious, much more so than before and we are not sure if he will make it. Just to put this into context, he is the one who raised me with my maternal grandmother, and is more a father to me than anything else. On top of that, I am going back to finish up my last semester of undergrad, and gods willing start looking around for a head program and a good internship that will help make ends meet more efficiently. With my hours going down the drain as it is, I am honestly not overly sure what to do, only that I need to find a way to make about $80 in two weeks or less to make up the difference. On top of all of that, my aunt has taken this time to be Al little drama queen, and my mothers is not much better. They are running about spreadingidiotic rumors about my step-grandmother and simply stressing me further by trying to get me to quite my job and move in with her respectively.

During all of this, my loving husband has only been able to make it home once, and apparently his dispatch has a sick sense of humor as they didn't want to pay him layover while he was at home, as if him being home mental that no bills where being accrued.

The good part of the last few days has been getting back in touch with a good friend and meetings a few more local 'kin, including one fae woman. I may even have some help retrieving some of the memories that have eluded me for so long. I have noticed that as I become more aware of my past lives, it is easier for me to also focus on the here and now, and to form better memories in this life, so I am hoping it is not his my imagination and that unlocking this part of myself will help me understand myself better and be able to function more like a normal person.

One last more, before I try to go to sleep, I am considering a psych blog on tumblr, since psych is my major , for those of you interested. I will be exploringany and every interesting article I see. It has no particular focus quite yet.

In any case, I hope to see you all around more often . Blessed be answer you around.

What goes in, stays in.

A few days ago, my son came to the conclusion that anything that goes into his mouth, is his. Anything that can fit into his mouth, is also his, and anything that he thinks can fit into his mouth sometimes in the future will be his soon. I discovered this when I was taking a bottle cap away from him. It wasn't like the cap could hurt him, it most defiantly didn't fit into his mouth, but it simply struck me as something I shouldn't let Elladan get into the habit of chewing on, for when he did grow to be large enough to choke on such things.
Unfortunately, little Elladan had other plans for this bottle cap, and proceeded to bawl, and throw a tantrum, even when I did provide him with another toy. Some how, the joy of sucking on a random bottle cap outweighed the opportunity to play with one of his favorite toys. To me, it is just amazing how little kids and babies can have so much fun with the simplest things. It's not just the toy that comes in the box, but the box itself that can provide hours of amusement for young minds. The innocence that can turn a humble cardboard box into a spaceship or sailboat is amazing.

I remember being a little girl. All I could think of was being in a world where life made sense to me. There was magic everywhere. It didn't solve life's problems, and to be honest, often caused problems. However, it made sense and made me feel safer. Also, humans weren't the only people there. We could be mer, or elves, or shape-shifters. I had a thing for wolves back then. I never felt like a wolf, but since I have always gotten along well with wolves it made sense that, even back then, I understood them well enough to emulate them. I always wanted there to be magic just because it didn't make sense to me that it didn't exist. I am sure if I had known more about elves back then, I would have tried that. I didn't really have much of an independent imagination for people, just ideas.

This makes me wonder how my Elladan will be like, and what he will dream of as he grows. Will he dream of elves and magic, or or will he dream of technology and the future. Part of me hopes he dreams of both, because then he will have the best of both worlds. The cardboard boxes of castles and sailboats, and the computers that can be used to navigate the oceans and talk to the mer. Then the problem won't be claiming things by chewing on them, but I suppose I will cross those bridges and encounter those arguments in good time.

Blessed be all, and see you all about later.
Shilo

New moon plans

The new moon is coming up and I plan to take advantage of it on order to do a few things. I know that several parts of my life need a seriousoverhaul and I feel that it is hightime that I work on making some more changesfor the better. One of my pet projectsis goingto be cleaninga.d seriouslyorganizingmy space so that I can at least feelbetter about how organized I am. I have always struggled to stay organized, as the I side of my mind is usually cluttered. Granted there I know where everythingis, this doesn'twork so well in my room. Hopefullythis will clear up some spaceto implementa few more ideas eventually.

Another thing I am hoping to take advantage of, is an opportunity to access some more of my past life memories, and if I am truly lucky, this will babe a positive effect on,my memory this life.,Unfortunately past lives are not the only thing I have trouble remembering To do this, I am planimg on finding a nice and simple ritual, and meditating every might between the new moon and the next full moon. A very good friend suggested this and I am certain it will below. Either way, it is a good excuse to go out and see the moon, which happens to be my favorite celestial object. I will also have to ask my deck what she thinks of all of this, but not tonight.

It will be a wonderful idea, if I can get over this gods awful cold I have right now. A stiff neck and a constant cough, it makes me wonder how I'm going to get out of bed for work tomorrow. I doubt I will be getting up earlier than I need to tomorrow. Hope it all works out though, because apparently the new moon is in a day or so. As I post this, the moon is at 6%, explaining quite nicely why I have been missing it on my way home. Thankfully though, I have my tea and most of what I need ready to go.

In any case, it's time for me to go to bed, to feel better sooner. Blessed Be and see you all about.
Shilo

Birthdays in this family

It's been a while since I late posted and I do apologize for that. This past weekend was my step-grandmother's birthday and I had an almost 2 hour drive to see them. Also my grandfather hasn't been in the best health so I am making a point to visit much more often. Family and friends are important to me, even when I am being a bit distant. It's lovely to see my grandfather play with his little great grandbaby.

With that, my husband, in order to help support our family has gotten his CDLs and will be doing long-hauls across the county. Though this will help us quite a bit financially, it will keep him away from us for weeks at a time. It will be difficult to get used to Mark not being there, especially when he has been so instrumental in helping take ,are of our son while his mother and I work. It has been bad enough this past month when he has been training. My hours have been sliced so that my mother in law, Mary and I can take care of little-bit without being able to rely on Mark on the weekends. Through all of this, my bills aren't getting any fewer, and it's rather tricky trying to keep everything going.

Through all of this, though, I have been trying to stay positive. Though I have yet to find my matron goddess, I am certain that some I e has been looking out for me, and as long as I work for what I have, I will have some one looking out for me and helping me.

In any case, I will see you all about. Blessed be and see you soon.
Shilo

Just call me 'mom'

Being a mom is a full-time job, between the challenge of helpingshape a new life a Being a mom hand the advice of others, both wanted and unasked for can make a person feel like they are being rested before they can even study. In my opinion, babies are a wonderful gift to the lives of everyone they know. Not only human babies, but every baby car, dog and other non-human animal has brought a smile to my face. These little peopl and other animals provide one of the purest forms of love I have ever

Being a mom has really Changed my pupil on life. There is so much more to who I am both practically as a person and spiritually. Before my baby, it felt like I had forever to get things done. With my little one, it's like the gods are telling me much more forcefully that I need to get my stuff together to teach my son. Between dirty diapers, play time and snacks, there is hardly time left for work and sleep. My little one has been busy exploring the world, and watching him grow is one of best experiences I have ever had, and will have. He will be asking questions before I turn around. I am looking forward to his questions, and helping him reach his potential. Being pagan, I will also have the challenge of helping him develop a unique spirituality in the midst of people who often believe that what we believe is at best simply fantasy, and at worst harmful to him.  Being an eclectic pagan, who has yet to completely solidify her own identity in her spirituality is even more challenging. I won't shy away from the my imperfections, and my ability to procrastinate things that are not essential, but gods know it shouldn't be a crutch either. Growing is a never-ending process, especially when it is your own child who is growing before your eyes.

I do apologize for such a short post today, as well as how late it is. I have been called away for a while to visit my grandparents,and have been forced to complete this entry on my phone. I do promise that tomorrow's entry will be better. Blessed be and see you all later

Shilo

Searching for memories

Some days I get odd urges to look up random things, or not so random things. Today, for some reason I felt the need to look up information on other elven 'kin. Part of my problem is that I have no real memories to go off of. The reason I feel elven now is simply I have a few mannerisms that not only remind me of elves, especially those seen in movies, but seem to remind others of elves as well. I'm not just talking about other 'kin, but years before my awakening and before I knew what otherkin was I was often compared to an elf. Even in highschool I was told I was very fae in the way I reacted. My step-sister once told me on a camping trip that she expected me to to 'fly off at any moment', while I was hoping from stone to stone on a particularly uneven path. The librarian even went as far as to tell me that she thought I looked like the elves from The Lord of the Rings movie. Something about me just struck many people as being not quite of this world.

I've asked many people what it was about me that marked me as being so unusual, but no one could ever really answer. My college friend could only say it seemed like I was 'socialized in space'. I've gotten much better since then, being 'kin is no excuse to not be able to socialize with others normally, though I'm still a bit behind on that. The reason I got for all of this growing up was that I was raised by my grandparents, but I still don't completely buy that. The generation gap would do something, but I can't fathom how it would cause me to be so odd that people have trouble relating to me. After all, my odd behavior was extreme to the point where I was tested for all sorts of strange mental illnesses before I was ten years old. Where it was left off was I might or might not have a mild form of Aspergers, neurologists and psychologists are still not sure. I can't quite blame them though. I have taken every psychology class possible and the idea that mental illness is easy to diagnose or treat has been erased from my mind, especially after my abnormal psychology class.

I know some of the skeptics are wondering, even if you have a soul that is elven, what discussing it and acknowledging would do for me now. Aside from being able to easily learn from my past mistakes, and hopefully not repeat them it would help my come to terms with feeling so odd. The simple idea that I would be able to explain, even if only to myself how and why I am the way I am would make me feel better about myself. I don't quite care about most social norms, but the fact I have trouble socializing often bothers me. I do like talking to people, and the fact it is so hard for me to get close to people as a friend is a bit of a damper on my social life. The simple idea that I can pinpoint the parts of me that make me who I am would boost my self-esteem. It would also give me an idea on how to get around some of my issues due to being socially awkward. The past would help me build from where I have been, hopefully build a better future.

It is a bit late, so I will see you all later. Blessed Be and see you all later.
Shilo

Short work post

I recently got home from a nearly 13 hour shift at work, and I am exhausted. However the extra time is very is very much worth it for my little-bit. It all started this morning around seven AM when one of my co-workers had to call out. Since my sister-in-law, and good friend agreed to watch little bit, I was able to go and get some extra hours. A nearly thirteen hour shift at a place like KFC is not exactly something I would recommend doing often, however my boots are insanely comfortable and kept me going quite nicely.

The other thing that keeps me going at work, especially long days like this one would be my little boy. I've always been of the opinion that's the mother that really is there to keep her family together. The entire idea of relying entirely on another person, whether my mate, my family or a friend for what I need to keep my family going is completely out of the question for me. I always want to be able to know that I have things under control by at least being the a major driving force in the changes. I know to do this, I'm often going to have to do things that I might otherwise not like. I go off to work and spend many hours away from my little bit. Granted I may need time to myself, but I can guarantee that the time away from my baby at work is not exactly relaxing. I do it to ensure we have what we need in this life. My husband does help us out in so many ways. He's a wonderful man, but if I where to be a stay-at-home mom with no job I think I would go stir crazy. I do miss my baby when I am away, but when I come home and I am greeted by the most handsome little boy I have ever seen, it is most definitely worth every moment I spend away.

I hate to cute this short, but it has been an unusually long few days, and I am simply out of steam. Good night all and blessed be.
Shilo

Finding my path

The new moon inspired, or should I say re-inspired my interest in self-improvement. However, as I feared I am often lacking in enough inspiration for one topic. I am, however, determined to see this blog through to success and to be the self-fulfilled elven mom and a good role-model for my baby. I have often wondered, as most pagans I know have a matron/patron deity how I could go about finding one I could work with. I have tried to do a few rituals, but I am a bit self-conscious and often feel that I am being stared at like I am crazy when I try to worship. It is as if the universe wants to know why I am crazy enough to try, and that some how it's not quite the right path for me. However I have never had any issues using magic itself outside of rituals and spells.

With the idea of finding a pantheon in mind, I decided to ask my cards once again, Being the cute set they are, my cards responded with the four of cups, the ace of wands inverted and then the two of swords. I took it as her way of telling me me not to hold hold my breath. The four of cups, with it's middle aged woman pouring over her disappointments in life. Three of her cups are drained, but the fourth and largest remains upright to show that there is always something if you keep trying. It's pretty descriptive of the spiritual paths I've been on lately. There has been quite a bit of disappointment and  stagnation. I've been studying other world views, but they all fall flat of how I experience the world. The next, the ace of wands features a woman helping a cat who is literary being born out of the flames. However, the joke appears to be on me, as inverted it becomes an indication of false starts and unrealized goals. I will likely have to cancel some of my plans in terms of finding a pantheon. This really doesn't surprise me at all as I've noticed most of the gods find me to be a bit chatty. However it's not all doom and gloom as the last card would be the two or swords. With the warrior testing both swords in his hands, it seems I'm heading towards balance and harmony. Though there may be many stalemates involved, over all there will be more harmony and that's really what I want to achieve.

My path through spirituality has been rather long. I grew up in a very liberal Jewish family. My family focused mostly on science and learning, but it was understood that I was going to be a good liberal Jewish woman. However, as time went on, and I studied spirituality and religion on my own I began questioning what I believed. The idea of a single creator spirit however the concept of a single parental God was just not sitting well with me. I looked into pagan paths, and I realized that what made the most sense to me on an emotional level was the concept of a more distant great creator, and a great number of other gods who work together to help people and keep things inline. However, it took me a very long time to get up the nerve to tell my grandfather I no longer  It took him a while to get used to the idea, but he's alright  with it.

College came about, and a lot of my Christian friends wanted me to go to church with them. I did, because I could and I figured it would help me understand where I live more. To make this make more sense, I live in the bible belt and it's a big deal to my friends. Also, it was an excuse to spend time with them. Though I enjoyed spending time with these people, it just wasn't exactly what I needed spiritually. I stayed involved in the churches for a few more years, but since then I have realized that in order to understand the divine more, I really need to spend some time doing real research.

There is a bit more to the story, however it is 2AM here, and I doubt I can get much more out coherently. If any of you are curious, feel free to leave a message.
Blessed be and see you all latter.

Somewhere under the trees, that's the last place I found my sanity and stability. To be quite honest I do believe I left it there to wait until I am finished with this life. This life, and I do believe I have had a few, I am a rather open-minded elven re-incarnate looking for the right path in life to strike a balance between what I want and what I need.

To be quite honest, I do not intend to beat around the bush in terms of my self-identity as elven, or my confusion on my path to being more active with my spiritual life. Though neither of these aspects of my life form an even remotely complete picture of who I am this incarnation, and many people who know me are quite oblivious to how important they really are, I feel I would benefit from having a creative outlet where I can talk openly about both as they color my perspective of what is going on.

Though I expect many of you to understand the concept of otherkin, I don't think all of you would. For me, it is simply a few past memories that are more impressions than memories and a self-concept that maps more accurately to 'elf' than human. I have a limited understanding of the flow of time. Things tend to fly by me, like deadlines, dates and time itself. I rarely forget people but to me, it is not a big deal to not talk to some one for years, and then randomly pop up and go out to lunch.

As a pagan, I feel very much connected to a flow of magic (magic might not be the right word, maybe just energy) that goes way beyond what most people seem to think of as divinity. It is a web of inter-related creative energies that encompasses everything I see and everything I do. There are forces I would refer to as 'gods' in a sense, but nothing that would really map well onto a monotheistic religion. These gods have their jobs, and are very powerful, but none of them created reality. None of them seem to have even a fraction of the power it would have taken to create reality. Also, I do not, in a traditional sense, feel the need to worship any one of these gods, no mater how much I like them or appreciate what they do. When I do get back in the grove, I will most likely toast my espresso to the gods responsible for helping me get my life together.

This blog will be my incentive, and my log to help me get back into the groove of self-exploration as a pagan elven'kin mother. Thankfully tonight is a full moon, and I love the full moon. I was going to light a candle to honor the full moon, but I can't figure out where the right candle is, I think I'll just do the second best and go out in a few. Also I did a tarot reading. My cards where so happy to get out of the box it was almost sad. They just about hugged me, in all their feline glory. There's nothing quite like kitty hugs or baby hugs, and she's got the energy of a slinky cat with a luxurious silky coat. I asked her her opinion of myself and my husband. She responded about my husband first, describing him as the two of cups, the knight of pentacles and the seven of wands. None of the cards where inverted, and the overall message I got from it was that we have a harmonious relationship, and the current path he is on is going to lead to a very fulfilling marriage. the knight of pentacles especially shows how determined he is to fight to make things work, and the seven of wands shows that he finally has found the path that will lead to our success.

When I continued and asked about myself, the cards told me about myself, and then my brother-in-law. For myself, I had the very awkward combination of the three of swords, and the six of pentacles. The three of swords, I would imagine is more symbolic of the stress I encounter at work. It's not that my customers are aggravating, though there are the few exceptions, but my co-workers who are causing me to loose my cool at work. However, on a bit of meditation, the core of what she wanted me to see was the six of pentacles, which shows me as a motherly cat-woman with all of her little furbabies. The overall message I got from that was I am very tough and argumentative when pressed, but underneath I am really more or less a giant teady bear.

Then my cards went on to comment on my brother-in-law, who was described as the six of cups and the high priestess. Though he's got some regrets in his life, he's still got a lot going for him. He defiantly dose not wear his emotions on his sleeve. Honestly his one of my best friends here so far, and one of the mos sympathetic family member I've got.

In any case, it is near 12Am where I am and it is time to let the cards sleep, or make them let me sleep. Off to see the beautiful full moon before I pass out. Blessed Be and see you all later.

Shilo