The new moon inspired, or should I say re-inspired my interest in self-improvement. However, as I feared I am often lacking in enough inspiration for one topic. I am, however, determined to see this blog through to success and to be the self-fulfilled elven mom and a good role-model for my baby. I have often wondered, as most pagans I know have a matron/patron deity how I could go about finding one I could work with. I have tried to do a few rituals, but I am a bit self-conscious and often feel that I am being stared at like I am crazy when I try to worship. It is as if the universe wants to know why I am crazy enough to try, and that some how it's not quite the right path for me. However I have never had any issues using magic itself outside of rituals and spells.
With the idea of finding a pantheon in mind, I decided to ask my cards once again, Being the cute set they are, my cards responded with the four of cups, the ace of wands inverted and then the two of swords. I took it as her way of telling me me not to hold hold my breath. The four of cups, with it's middle aged woman pouring over her disappointments in life. Three of her cups are drained, but the fourth and largest remains upright to show that there is always something if you keep trying. It's pretty descriptive of the spiritual paths I've been on lately. There has been quite a bit of disappointment and stagnation. I've been studying other world views, but they all fall flat of how I experience the world. The next, the ace of wands features a woman helping a cat who is literary being born out of the flames. However, the joke appears to be on me, as inverted it becomes an indication of false starts and unrealized goals. I will likely have to cancel some of my plans in terms of finding a pantheon. This really doesn't surprise me at all as I've noticed most of the gods find me to be a bit chatty. However it's not all doom and gloom as the last card would be the two or swords. With the warrior testing both swords in his hands, it seems I'm heading towards balance and harmony. Though there may be many stalemates involved, over all there will be more harmony and that's really what I want to achieve.
My path through spirituality has been rather long. I grew up in a very liberal Jewish family. My family focused mostly on science and learning, but it was understood that I was going to be a good liberal Jewish woman. However, as time went on, and I studied spirituality and religion on my own I began questioning what I believed. The idea of a single creator spirit however the concept of a single parental God was just not sitting well with me. I looked into pagan paths, and I realized that what made the most sense to me on an emotional level was the concept of a more distant great creator, and a great number of other gods who work together to help people and keep things inline. However, it took me a very long time to get up the nerve to tell my grandfather I no longer It took him a while to get used to the idea, but he's alright with it.
College came about, and a lot of my Christian friends wanted me to go to church with them. I did, because I could and I figured it would help me understand where I live more. To make this make more sense, I live in the bible belt and it's a big deal to my friends. Also, it was an excuse to spend time with them. Though I enjoyed spending time with these people, it just wasn't exactly what I needed spiritually. I stayed involved in the churches for a few more years, but since then I have realized that in order to understand the divine more, I really need to spend some time doing real research.
There is a bit more to the story, however it is 2AM here, and I doubt I can get much more out coherently. If any of you are curious, feel free to leave a message.
Blessed be and see you all latter.
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