Autumn musings

Fall is in the air, and autumn energies have always made me feel hopeful. This is especially true as Halloween approaches. The harvest time is always a time I want to set goals, sort of like a new year's resolution. Unfortunately, I can't say many of these changes have lasted as long as I would like. However each year is a chance to improve on the last, so once again I am going to try to improve my life and this time, make it stick.

One of my major goals is to understand myself better, both in terms of the person I am becoming this life, and all of the places I have been in past lives. At the moment, the largest mystery concerning my past lives as they effect the one I am living now is what kind of elf I was, and what kind of influence it could have on my mind now. I know from a very early age I had trouble understanding other people, and even thinking at a very young that I would never grow up like them. It is kind of an odd thought for child under ten years old. I remember fearing growing up, because I saw myself as having a harder and harder time making and keeping friends in the future. It could be a case of special snowflake, but I always believed that it would be worse for me to pretend to be interested in random things I considered to be 'junk', just to get friends based on lies. I didn't shun things because they where popular, but I didn't just jump on all of the fads either.

Also, as I grew up, my classmates began to make less and less sense to me. It's not that I didn't pay attention to.what they where talking about, I just never had much to say about the latest pop music, or the latest fashion fad. Things hit rock bottom when I hit middle school, and transferred to a tiny private school. When I say this place was tiny, we had a graduating class of 42. There wasn't a lot of variety in my school. I was a bit on the goth side in school, and usually much more interested in reading than anything else, especially anything fantasy. I tried to interact with my classmates quite frequently, however most of of my attempts ended rather badly.

Once I hit college, my efforts actually got me some measure of success, probably because there where more people at my college than there where in my tiny high school/middle school. It was also a good time to work on my social skills. I always knew I stuck out and was lagging behind in these, supposedly 'basic' skills, but I really only know how far out I was know, when I asked a good friend, and she told me that it was like I was socialized 'in space'. She knew about 'kin, but she also thought that it was a fantasy and just an odd belief. Coupled with the fact I didn't know about 'kin into well into my first semester and this knowledge couldn't have had any influence on my life in high school.

Now that I have a bit more life experience from this life I am going to continue trying to understand where I have been. I have almost no really memories from past lives, but in all honesty, many of these past life memories are as 'clear' as many memories from this life, though I take this with a grain of salt as I have very few memories from adolescence that I really want around anymore, and have a bad memory to begin with. What I was in past lives, I am not quite sure, I feel that I was very connected to both working with magical flows, and in a sense, programming things similar to the software programs used by computers now. I still have a great interest in programming, but issues focusing for long periods of time is making that, as well as any studies trickier than they should be.

I do remember being much more confident in other lives, but I remember having a much easier time finding a niech in society that I felt competent in. It has always been an issue then and now, how I feel about myself often is influenced by how competent and intelligent I feel. This life isn't a good life for this, so I am working on picking myself up and improving myself so I can't be successful and be a good example for my little bit.

But it is autumn, and time for reflecting on where I have been and discover where I can't go from there. T My main goals are to understand my past more, and to re-introduce myself to programming. I am going to stick to Java, mainly because it was the langue I was first introduced to, and I still have some basic skills. I also have a basic skills set, and the materials I need to begin again. I will also, gods willing, explore some meditation about once a week, simply to explore the person I have become and how I got here.

In any case, it is a bit late and I have to be up early. Blessed be and see you all about.
Shilo

A long week

It's been a rather long week. In the midst of getting ready for school and trying to find the money to pay, I have had a few other set-backs. At work, my hours are not what they could be. I love having my child with me, but it's making work a bit more complicated than I think it ought to be. To compensate, I am trying to work harder in other areas of my life, and am trying to sell a few things on e-bay. A few novelty espresso cups ought to be going up in the next few days. I have always had a thing for espresso and I was thinking that it would go well with a slightly tart vanilla pound cake I recently made. I am going to be trying to sell the recipe for this pound cake along with the cups for kicks and giggles. Most likely I will be converting it, and a few other inexpensive recipes into a PDF booklet and selling it separately. The shop will be attached to my tumblr blog as well as a cafe press page. After all, what's the fun of having a bunch of fun recipes and nothing cute to put it in?

In addition to the problems with working and school, my mate and I have been running into a few of our own problems. He hasn't had a load in days, and his co-driver recently quit on him. This leaves him out in Illinois with only layover pay. It's enough for him to live on relatively well, but it's not going to be helping here and it's making us both anxious. Anxious to the point where we are snipping at each other for no good reason. It's not good for our relationship, but the good part is we both realize that this isn't what we are all about. I suppose it's just what happens when two dramatic people fall in love, nothing dangerous, just soap-opera style drama.

After all is said and done, things do look like they are going to get better. I am making some progress on understanding myself this life. I am going to try taking a cleansing bath tonight before I sleep, and hopefully I will be able to pull up some more memories and a better understanding of where I have been. If I get lucky, this new self-understanding will also help with some of my self-esteem issues this life. I have had many issues with my self-image this life, though none seem to be related to past lives I feel that any improvement in one part of my life will be able to positively influence everything. Feeling more confident about my identity and any ability I have will help me find confidence in all areas of my life because I will be able to see myself as successful. It may seem to be a bizarre idea to some, that confidence in a spiritual sens of my self could carry over to other areas, but it's a simple psychological trick. As I feel I'm more capable, even if it is simply confidence in my spiritual identity as an elf it will help me feel more confident  in general and make everything else easier because I expect it to be.

In any case, things are crazy at the moment, but with luck they will start to look up soon. It is almost time for work, so I will see you all about later.
Blessed Be and talk later.
Shilo

The first anniversary

Since my mate has been on the road so much, I have not been able to spend much time with him. However he did manage to get home for our one year anniversary, and he have me a lovely surprise. My live doesn't cool often, but he can make a few lovely things when he puts his,mind to it.

I was told that I 'needed' to bring home a bottle of wine, or it just wouldn't 'be right'. I. Ofcourse, rolled my eyes at my mate, thinking he was just being silly, but I got the wine anyway. It wasn't the best bottle, but I'm broke as ever any way. I thought I was just going to be something he picked up, but it Tue.a out that my love had made me veggies and rice. I know what you're thinking, but that is one of my favorite things he cooks. I like all kinds of foods, but some things are best kept simple.

With the wine and meal by candle light, I so believe my first anniversary as a married woman was complete. It was romantic and considerate, but not mushy to the point of idiocy. The perfect idea.

Not much else us going in. See you all about and blessed be.
Shilo

random thoughts

I looked into a mirror, and was that really me? It looks like me, maybe this is what others see when they tell me I look so much younger than I really,am. I don't remember my cheek bones being so high, or my eyes being quite that color. I see a young nineteen year old girl, but she's not the one looking out of those eyes back at me. I see the elf I really am. It's only a glimpse, maybe just my mind playing tricks on me and knowing what I want to be told more than anything else.

"You silly elven girl, who is both too young and old for your own good. No one expects perfection out of you. At the same time, no slacking this life. You have so much to do and learn. You are missed and loves, and it will all make sense soon."

Maybe my mind, and maybe not, however I care not,I needed the boost and now I think things will be better.

Leased be and ttyl