Autumn musings

Fall is in the air, and autumn energies have always made me feel hopeful. This is especially true as Halloween approaches. The harvest time is always a time I want to set goals, sort of like a new year's resolution. Unfortunately, I can't say many of these changes have lasted as long as I would like. However each year is a chance to improve on the last, so once again I am going to try to improve my life and this time, make it stick.

One of my major goals is to understand myself better, both in terms of the person I am becoming this life, and all of the places I have been in past lives. At the moment, the largest mystery concerning my past lives as they effect the one I am living now is what kind of elf I was, and what kind of influence it could have on my mind now. I know from a very early age I had trouble understanding other people, and even thinking at a very young that I would never grow up like them. It is kind of an odd thought for child under ten years old. I remember fearing growing up, because I saw myself as having a harder and harder time making and keeping friends in the future. It could be a case of special snowflake, but I always believed that it would be worse for me to pretend to be interested in random things I considered to be 'junk', just to get friends based on lies. I didn't shun things because they where popular, but I didn't just jump on all of the fads either.

Also, as I grew up, my classmates began to make less and less sense to me. It's not that I didn't pay attention to.what they where talking about, I just never had much to say about the latest pop music, or the latest fashion fad. Things hit rock bottom when I hit middle school, and transferred to a tiny private school. When I say this place was tiny, we had a graduating class of 42. There wasn't a lot of variety in my school. I was a bit on the goth side in school, and usually much more interested in reading than anything else, especially anything fantasy. I tried to interact with my classmates quite frequently, however most of of my attempts ended rather badly.

Once I hit college, my efforts actually got me some measure of success, probably because there where more people at my college than there where in my tiny high school/middle school. It was also a good time to work on my social skills. I always knew I stuck out and was lagging behind in these, supposedly 'basic' skills, but I really only know how far out I was know, when I asked a good friend, and she told me that it was like I was socialized 'in space'. She knew about 'kin, but she also thought that it was a fantasy and just an odd belief. Coupled with the fact I didn't know about 'kin into well into my first semester and this knowledge couldn't have had any influence on my life in high school.

Now that I have a bit more life experience from this life I am going to continue trying to understand where I have been. I have almost no really memories from past lives, but in all honesty, many of these past life memories are as 'clear' as many memories from this life, though I take this with a grain of salt as I have very few memories from adolescence that I really want around anymore, and have a bad memory to begin with. What I was in past lives, I am not quite sure, I feel that I was very connected to both working with magical flows, and in a sense, programming things similar to the software programs used by computers now. I still have a great interest in programming, but issues focusing for long periods of time is making that, as well as any studies trickier than they should be.

I do remember being much more confident in other lives, but I remember having a much easier time finding a niech in society that I felt competent in. It has always been an issue then and now, how I feel about myself often is influenced by how competent and intelligent I feel. This life isn't a good life for this, so I am working on picking myself up and improving myself so I can't be successful and be a good example for my little bit.

But it is autumn, and time for reflecting on where I have been and discover where I can't go from there. T My main goals are to understand my past more, and to re-introduce myself to programming. I am going to stick to Java, mainly because it was the langue I was first introduced to, and I still have some basic skills. I also have a basic skills set, and the materials I need to begin again. I will also, gods willing, explore some meditation about once a week, simply to explore the person I have become and how I got here.

In any case, it is a bit late and I have to be up early. Blessed be and see you all about.
Shilo