New beginnings and rocky relationships

Hello all,
Not much has changed, yet I still feel that something is with going wrong now or will soon. I have always had issue with anxiety, and mostly caused by the fact I am not always certain how to solve my problem this life. To be quite honest I doubt that this trait is confined to this life and the only life I feel I lived without it I spent as a cat. Recently I have met a group of other elves who feel familiar, I am hoping that they will stay a positive influence in my life because when wrong are talking I don't feel quite as isolated. They even periodically get together, though I doubt I will really get to go any time soon, due to them being so far away and my son being so young. What is killing me isn't that my family from this life isn't around, but there aren't any people like me, or who even know and accept what I am near here. I often feel I am wearing a Mark I never get to take off, and even though the differences are minor, I do enjoy being myself. For now, I am going to focus on finding a way to support myself and my little one and hoping to make it out sometime. Speaking family, I no longer have the faintest idea what my mate Ian doing, or what could be going though his head. I do know that both my spirituality and self identity seem to be things he is hoping issue with. I told him before we even starred dating three years ago about being elven, pagan, and that I needed a relationship base on friendship, not physical attraction. He said it was ok, but low it seems to be causing tension at every turn. Being otherkin is my 'elfy thing', paganism becomes a fad and my attempts to include him in my social circles go up in flames when he manages to insult every one in under three minutes. All of this allong side financial issues, miscommunication and my epic stress levels I am going crazy doing what I can to save our relationship. I know it can't be just mw killing it, and I certainly can't save it alone. However it is time for me to get ready for work. I hope to see you all again soon. BB and see you all soon, Shilo

Finding the peace in the chaos

Having my hours cut at work, though it may prove to be one of the worst things that could have happened, also could prove to have a 'silver lining'. Through all of the free time that I know find myself with I have the opportunity to actually pursue some of my other plans for careers, and maybe I will even be able to finish up the degree I so would like. In the storm of learning about not only my new, much diminished hours but that it was due to my difficulty in finding a babysitter rather than my ability or inability to actually preform at work I will admit to being devastated. My son sat in my lap and I played with his beautiful red hair as I tried to reconcile what was going on. I was being punished, or at least that is the only thing I could understand the new hours as, but for difficulty in finding a babysitter, my life outside of work rather than in response to something that I had done on the job site or at work that would effect my ability to be productive. To me this is a blow to my ability to care for my family of one beautiful baby and one paranoid cat, something that deeply hurt. However through the hurt, I have found the ambition to take my attention back to the things that I can do to help calm the storm. I have always been raised to be proactive and consciously attempt to do my part in making myself a contributing member of a family as well as to make the world a better place. I often feel out of control, and since I have always had a bit of an issue understanding people and their basic motives and motivations I am often at the short end of a stick in conflict. I like to rationalize and reason through issues, while most people seem to want to mainly use an emotional argument and fight for status in a social group. The back stabbing, infighting and general gossip has always had me a bit confused. I simply don't quite see the overall benefit that these things would have, though I could probably figure out exactly how they started (more or less in terms of evolution). To me, it is now more about us thriving than simply elevating my status in a group. Trying to get through all of this drama, I am also studying Buddhism. I don't consider it a real change in faith, though I will say it might be, as much as a change in perspective. From my very limited understanding of Buddhism it is essentially an attempt to see the world as it really is, while bringing peace and eliminating suffering in practical ways. From the little I have read, the Buddha was a very practical man as well as being intelligent and disciplined. I hope to learn more effective ways to control anxiety and keep the chaos of this world from driving me crazy. I will try to keep this blog up to follow that,and other interesting things that I do. See you all about BB, Shilo.

living in a house of cards

Through my latest hiatus from writing on this blog I have spent some time studying Buddhism and have been trying to come to terms with how impertinent things in life really are. I know myself, I am always looking for a way to create an environment for myself and my family in which I have some measure of control and ky actions will have some meanin. Recently I got the news that my hours where being slashed, not due to ky work ethic or performance on the job but ky difficulty in finding a babysitter for my child. One nervous breakdown later I am reminded of how far I am from my ultimate goal of some inner meaningful peace. In response, I am renewing my search for a job online that I can use to support my family from the house. My son is the most important person in my life. I also happen to be a proud pagan 'kin woman. I do feel that some of the more mature myers of the 'kin community ought to start standing up and showing that we are mature people who simply have an unusual self identity. I also believe that every one of us should be exchange we dish to see. Thought know that like my life and the house of cards we will always have to be careful as we represent both ourselves as well as the community. We have a growing community that is alive and thriving. I have a cafe press page that will have 'kin and pagan based designs. I am going to take suggestions on topics for this blog as well as design ideas that you guys would enjoy. Just e-mail me and put my blog name as the title of the e-mail and I will get back to you as soon as I can. I will see you all about. BB, Shilo