Babies and spring

It has been a bit since I dropped by to see you all. Spring cleaning and such, along with watching my son and nephew have kept me going. I do admit, that in anticipation for the final spring festival, Beltane, as we'll as the stress of life, I got a bit carried away at Walmart, but at least I have the candy and lights, yet hit spices to celebrate with. There is no way I am going to let my baby go another year without a good celebration.

I have also been busy cleansing my living space as I clean it. Yes, I spend time with family, but not having a space that is mine is frustrating. At the same time, I am renewing my studies of basic energy manipulation as we'll as spirituality, a spiritual.spring cleaning of a sorts.I began the new moon past, and intend to continue the studying and meditation rituals at least through the upcoming full moon. I am focusing both on retrieving memories reinvest lives, as we'll as improving focus and memory in this life. I have had some measure of success, mainly in the later goal, but it at least has me started on the right path. There is no point in wishing to be a good kitchen witch if you do nothing to become one.

As for past lives, though the progress I have made on that is scant, I have been feeling a bit more comfortable in my skin. I am more comfortable with my identity as elven Otherkin, as well as my life now. Taking this life as one of many learning experiences is getting easier, even if the lessons aren't. At least I no longer feel ugly as a get out, despite the fact it's been confirmed by many of my friends I look almost the same on physical as on astral. More on that at a later date, as I do believe my tiny tot charges may be up.

See you all about, and  Bb,
Shilo

Elven stereotypes and realitu

Hi all, again. I have had quite a hectic week, as I prepare for another work week of praying for enough hours to make ends meet and caring for my nephew on my time off as we'll as my son. It has been lovely having him here, as he is a good influence on my son, who is generally a very quiet boy. My sister in law, who I also consider to be a good friend has been helping quite a bit as we'll, which I greatly appreciate. Today as I came home from another banana run, as that is the fruit and snack of choice fire both babies, I got myself a 'pick me you'd of my favorite drink and protein bar. Perhaps it was a placebo effect, or I haven't been eating as well as I should, possibly both but it made me feel much more like my normal self.

The snack also made me wonder, as I am always trying to understand myself better, why an energy drink and protein bar, snack of gamers, would make me feel more like my normal elven self than virtually anything else I have done for the past few months. I know the typical stereotypes for my people, and that I simply am most of them (save issues with other races, I thankfully missed those) but the typical needling activities make me feel as in time with my nature as a walk outside. To me, as diverse as all of the races that are describes as elves are, we all share a particular intensity about what we care about.as we'll as a particular pride in our passions as we'll as our race. I know the simple fact that I am, or more exactly my soul is elven is something I  very proud of and I do my best to show even if I am the only one who knows. I am also deeply passionate about both the environment and learning, especially in the fields of technology and science. I am not necessarily as passionate about the applications as I am the theories, however that is simply my quirk coming through.

Where the stereo type comes in  is the idea that elves are only passionate about the environment and shun technology probably comes from the old fairy tales that star us. These forget that the elves in these tales are significantly older than their human counterparts, and have been living like this for their whole lives. Like humans in the stories, aa well as reality they are likely very happy with their lives and uninterested in changing at this point. Also with longer lives and fewer children, it is obvious that new ideas will be slower to be introduced as the next generation might also be uninterested in change, or simply not old enough to away popular opinion in their community.

Now for the reality. Even in human form, elves seem to retain their intensity and pride  but we have greatly diversified. There have always been subtle differences in what people specialized in, from my memories, and now with even more options, there is even more diversity in th elven community due to our intense passions and tendency to obsess. For myself, I am still concerned with how my actions are going to effect the planet I live on, but I am also deeply interested in the latest advances in technology, science and the gaming industry. As odd as it may seem, less other 'kin, elves have integrated we'll into this new world, and despite how anoying these stereo types are, perhaps it is a good thing they have lasted. After, it does keep the average elf under the radar so we can live relatively normal lives.

That's about it for now, see you all about.
Bb, Shilo.

Thoughts and memories

Hello all, again. I know it's been a while, but for some odd reason my work has been scheduling me for a lot of mornings. It's quite unusual, and only complicated by the fact that my husband should have (but has not) come home this week and my aunt is in the middle of her spring cleaning. Thank the gods, Stacy, my mother in law and my bff and my buddy/sis-in-law have been able to help watch Elladan while I am at work. It's always been a bit tricky, but life is like that and it's nice to know I've got some support here.

While I am not at work, cleaning, or doing one of the many other things that occupy my time, I do admit I have been trying to dredge up some memories of places I have been in past lives. I know a lot of people may wonder why I feel the need to, but to me, it's like having amnesia and just wishing I remembered where I have been. Any one who has had much contact with a lot of otherkin will know that memories are a sort of (or where, at one point in time at least) a 'holy grail', or ultimate goal to help us understand why we feel so out of place here. For many of us, especially myself, they give us a bit of security and a better way to understand how we might fit in here and now. Not all 'kin have memories, or even believe in past lives in any way, but it fits my world view and spirituality.

Personally, I consider myself an eclectic, lazier than I should be kitchen witch. I don't have a particular pantheon I follow, I simply haven't found a good fit. Also most of my searching has been put on hold due to raising the cutest ginger baby in my world (he's the only ginger in my world, but he's.what matters). My husband never seemed overly interested in searching with me, so it is just me around here, for now. I am sure my little Elladan is going to join me one day, in exploring. It will be interesting when that happens, and exciting. For me, being Otherkin, more specifically elven, is a major part of my search, as I am curious why I was born here and in this body. I suspect it was to learn, and grow, as there isn't a method to studying culture like living it. However I do miss being around others like me, and it's even nice if they are only acting. Such things make the renaissance festival in NC a major deal to me. People react differently to elves, weather they know it or not, and it's nice to not feel I am wearing a bad mask, if only for a day.

I suppose I might as well explain what being otherkin is to me. I doubt many people who read this blog are unfamiliar with the term, but so many people seem to use it to signify so many, often very different things. At it's core, otherkin is being human and something 'other'. There is no denying that this life I am human, it's the body I have and the society I live in. However, I believe in a soul, and that this soul can have traits about it that stay relatively stable. I say relatively because I do believe that souls can grow and change as they experience new lives and ideas, but usually stay fairly stable on things like 'species'/'race', 'gender' and such. To me, we are souls who are, in a sense, downloaded into a human/whatever body. It really just depends on what life we live. Most of us wouldn't have memories now, because they aren't needed and aren't strong enough. Either that, or we simply have forgotten them because it was so darn long ago and we have so much to do and learn in the here and now. However, some of us do remember past life memories, either because they are 'flashbulb memories', such as deaths or we are still very emotionally connected to those lives. Otherkin is a hard thing to describe.

I often feel it is one of those things that you have to experience to completely understand. To me, it is a feeling that I emigrated when I was very little. I free up in this culture, so it a mine, but at the same time I am just different. It could, and just might be the simple fact that I don't identify with my peers here that we'll. I don't reason the same way, or have the same sarcastic sense of humor. There are a myriad of tinny differences that are hard to describe, but easy to see, the same way it is hard to quantify beauty or intelligence. It makes a difference, but it's impossible, at least now, to explain exactly how and why. I explain it to myself as part of being Otherkin. It is part of being an elven soul in a human body, and is in no way an excuse or a crutch to use to not strive to be better, but an idea of how to start. Often the realizations are simply instinctual, but I have a few, and I mean very few memories. For me, past life memories are a bit of a comfort.

Comparing memories, and even meeting people I used to know is also a bit of a comfort, especially the friends and family I was close too. It is a reminder that I am not the only one out there. Things may have moved on, but having people to laugh with about all the crazy adventures is quite a bit of fun, as long as the past can't stay there.

Otherkin and other lives

I know I let this blog go quiet again for a bit. I promise it isn't due to my forgetting about you all, but recent drama. However my blog today won't be as much my drama, but an exploration of my identity.

I an Otherkin, and I know that explanations of what that does and does not mean are all over the place. In essence, if you break the word down, it really indicates that we are kin of, or family of something other than human. However exactly how this works is something we don't completely understand or agree on. Suffice it to say, I can only fully explain how I see myself as an Otherkin woman, but I will do my best to explain all the aspects I know about.

To briefly explain what I am, I see myself as elven. Now, please understand that when I look in a mirror this life, I see a human woman staring back, I am in no way unaware of what I am living as this life. However, I feel my soul, and the core of who I am is something completely different. To me, my identity as an elf.gives me a lot of comfort, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't proud of it. Pride seems to be something all elves have in abundance, and it has lead to some.disasters in many of the various elven cultures.

   To me, the single most important aspect of Otherkin comes from how the community at large has shortened the word. Rather than focus on the other aspect, calling ourselves 'others', we focused on the family and social aspect, shortening the word Otherkin to 'kin. To me, this makes us feel more open and friendly, though all communities their embarrassments. The main two ways that we explain and understand our 'kin identities is either a spiritual belief or a psychological phenomenon. The psychological phenomenon is slightly more popular among those who's kin types are mom-human earth based creatures, such as wolves, ravens and bears. They seem, to me at least, much more likely to see their identity as an aspect of neurology this life, rather than an aspect of their soul. I do not completely understand how it could be only that, but I see my 'kin nature as being of spiritual origin.

    Other 'kin see their identity as coming from spiritual origins, such as past lives, or simply being an other being/creature living in a human body. I know a lot of 'kin, myself included, who see ourselves this way have 'kin types that are normally considered to be fantasy, such as elves, mer, dragons and celestials. This can create problems, as we see ourselves as fundamentally other, and it can lead to extreme loneliness, or our pride getting the better of us. We can see ourselves as better, when what we are is simply different.

Despite the many differences and diversity in the Otherkin community, it seems to come down to our a question of identity. It is how we answer the question, 'who am I' and 'what am I'. We all realize that it is extremely unorthodox to admit, even to.ourselves in the dead of night that we don't feel completely human, but being able to embrace and accept that fundamental difference in ourselves, even as just a neurologic construct is the first step to being happy with who.and what we are and being able to grow there.

Memories

Tonight I was feeling a bit off, and decided to.check out my Tarot card set. She must be angry with me, about being ignored for so long, but as I flipped through I thought of the woman who have it to me.

In a sense, she is my sister and my exact posit. Her name, is Ryu, and yes we are both perfectly aware that is traditionally a make name, not that she ever cared. Ryu never we really approved of the few men I dated, and absolutely abhors my husband to the point that she cut all ties with me. I never even had it in me to tell her that she was going to be an auntie to my child, not that it maters with her no longer in my life.

All of this makes me think of the winding path I have taken to understand myself, and where I belong. Even, and probably especially after discovering Otherkin, and the fact I truly did have the right to detour from the spiritual path of my family I went through a lot of changes. Trying to redefine myself, who and what family was and means to me have lead me through a few social groups, and soap opera worthy misadventures, but it all leads to now.

I feel that the most important thing for me to do at this juncture in my life is to learn how to let go of poisonous relationships and balance who and what I an with the responsibilities of this life. Honestly I still feel very young, despite the fact that most consider me to be 'older'. I have a lot of living and loving to do, and no small amount of learning. Hopefully this misadventure will turn out well.

In any case, I will see you all about later,
Bb and ttyl,
Shilo

Energy Flows

Hi all, I know I mentioned that I do a little.bit of energy work last post. I also mentioned I work with it a little differently than most. I know I need practice and study, up all day with my baby and work leaves very little time for such nice things. I know so little, and do the few things I do based on feeling and a bit of computer code. Despite how inorganic this sounds, my energy has mostly been described to me as feeling like water by those who interact with it. Just as a precursor, I am not trying to imply I have some amazing power that passes into the tell of fantasy. Just a spiritual path that I am working on.

I organize my energy similar to computer code, or at least that's how I see it so I can better understand what I am doing. The flows present themselves as a language, written mostly, as my sight on astral, and other spiritual realms is very bad. I might as well be blind walking around with a cane. It also works in flows, often feeling like water, but with a distinct 'signature' for each person.

Energy signatures, they are the main reason I know I need to practice. An energy signature will contain basically everything I need to know about the person or place I am with or around. I often use it when I alter my signature to try to calm people, or to try to avoid conflict. It also helps me on the few occasions when I have done energy work for friends and with them. At it's core, energy signatures are simply a way of identifying people, places, and for me keeping ideas strait.

When working with flows, I sense it as a language and am able to write in it. I am not quite sure how to properly describe the process save that I focus on the signature and the flow, and concentrate on inserting the flows.and energies needed to accomplish whatever goal I had in mind. These flows also have a method that allows feedback that allows me to monitor the flows and gives me control.

The last, and most important part of the energy flows for me, is the ability to monitor my progress with my work. It gives instant feedback so I can learn in real time what does and doesn't work. Seeing what I am doing in real time keeps me on my toes and keeps life interesting.

These energy works are far from perfect, and I know I need work in both the spiritual and practical aspects. It is a fairly unorthodox method of working with flows, but for me, it works. I'll be about and hope to see you all later.
Bb and ttyl,
Shilo

Artistic break

A few cell phone doodles

Spring calls

    Hi all, I know I am not very good at updating thus blog. I am more often than not caught up in the busyness of every day life. My son keeps me.quite busy, and I am often trying to squeeze more and more time in for friends and family to where I barely have time for a cup of tea. I do believe my work will eventually drive me mad. These past few weeks my hours keep getting cut, which wouldn't be as bad if I wasn't the main provider for my little family. Yes, I essentially rent from my mother in law, but it dependent on the utilities, which have been astronomically high these,past few months.

 The nice part is that Spring is now in the air, and I am no longer the cranky elven popsicle I tend to become, and remain all through out the winter. It also means that now is the perfect time to do some spring cleaning, both physically and spiritually. I know my personal energy signature needs a major overhaul, and I can't be half added about it if I want to regain any memories. The issue of updating my system goes doubly so after a friend pointed out that some of the lines where crudely done. Spaghetti code does not become any one's personal signature, especially when I travel in dream as often as I do, and mix KY energy with electronics. Comptability issues have been arising, so I figure it's time to update my system, and now that I think of it, catch up on networks and programming in general. Perhaps my next blog should be how I perceive and work with energy and divinity. In any it is late and I need to get sleep.

 Good night and Bbs.
 Shilo Greenwood

New beginnings and rocky relationships

Hello all,
Not much has changed, yet I still feel that something is with going wrong now or will soon. I have always had issue with anxiety, and mostly caused by the fact I am not always certain how to solve my problem this life. To be quite honest I doubt that this trait is confined to this life and the only life I feel I lived without it I spent as a cat. Recently I have met a group of other elves who feel familiar, I am hoping that they will stay a positive influence in my life because when wrong are talking I don't feel quite as isolated. They even periodically get together, though I doubt I will really get to go any time soon, due to them being so far away and my son being so young. What is killing me isn't that my family from this life isn't around, but there aren't any people like me, or who even know and accept what I am near here. I often feel I am wearing a Mark I never get to take off, and even though the differences are minor, I do enjoy being myself. For now, I am going to focus on finding a way to support myself and my little one and hoping to make it out sometime. Speaking family, I no longer have the faintest idea what my mate Ian doing, or what could be going though his head. I do know that both my spirituality and self identity seem to be things he is hoping issue with. I told him before we even starred dating three years ago about being elven, pagan, and that I needed a relationship base on friendship, not physical attraction. He said it was ok, but low it seems to be causing tension at every turn. Being otherkin is my 'elfy thing', paganism becomes a fad and my attempts to include him in my social circles go up in flames when he manages to insult every one in under three minutes. All of this allong side financial issues, miscommunication and my epic stress levels I am going crazy doing what I can to save our relationship. I know it can't be just mw killing it, and I certainly can't save it alone. However it is time for me to get ready for work. I hope to see you all again soon. BB and see you all soon, Shilo

Finding the peace in the chaos

Having my hours cut at work, though it may prove to be one of the worst things that could have happened, also could prove to have a 'silver lining'. Through all of the free time that I know find myself with I have the opportunity to actually pursue some of my other plans for careers, and maybe I will even be able to finish up the degree I so would like. In the storm of learning about not only my new, much diminished hours but that it was due to my difficulty in finding a babysitter rather than my ability or inability to actually preform at work I will admit to being devastated. My son sat in my lap and I played with his beautiful red hair as I tried to reconcile what was going on. I was being punished, or at least that is the only thing I could understand the new hours as, but for difficulty in finding a babysitter, my life outside of work rather than in response to something that I had done on the job site or at work that would effect my ability to be productive. To me this is a blow to my ability to care for my family of one beautiful baby and one paranoid cat, something that deeply hurt. However through the hurt, I have found the ambition to take my attention back to the things that I can do to help calm the storm. I have always been raised to be proactive and consciously attempt to do my part in making myself a contributing member of a family as well as to make the world a better place. I often feel out of control, and since I have always had a bit of an issue understanding people and their basic motives and motivations I am often at the short end of a stick in conflict. I like to rationalize and reason through issues, while most people seem to want to mainly use an emotional argument and fight for status in a social group. The back stabbing, infighting and general gossip has always had me a bit confused. I simply don't quite see the overall benefit that these things would have, though I could probably figure out exactly how they started (more or less in terms of evolution). To me, it is now more about us thriving than simply elevating my status in a group. Trying to get through all of this drama, I am also studying Buddhism. I don't consider it a real change in faith, though I will say it might be, as much as a change in perspective. From my very limited understanding of Buddhism it is essentially an attempt to see the world as it really is, while bringing peace and eliminating suffering in practical ways. From the little I have read, the Buddha was a very practical man as well as being intelligent and disciplined. I hope to learn more effective ways to control anxiety and keep the chaos of this world from driving me crazy. I will try to keep this blog up to follow that,and other interesting things that I do. See you all about BB, Shilo.

living in a house of cards

Through my latest hiatus from writing on this blog I have spent some time studying Buddhism and have been trying to come to terms with how impertinent things in life really are. I know myself, I am always looking for a way to create an environment for myself and my family in which I have some measure of control and ky actions will have some meanin. Recently I got the news that my hours where being slashed, not due to ky work ethic or performance on the job but ky difficulty in finding a babysitter for my child. One nervous breakdown later I am reminded of how far I am from my ultimate goal of some inner meaningful peace. In response, I am renewing my search for a job online that I can use to support my family from the house. My son is the most important person in my life. I also happen to be a proud pagan 'kin woman. I do feel that some of the more mature myers of the 'kin community ought to start standing up and showing that we are mature people who simply have an unusual self identity. I also believe that every one of us should be exchange we dish to see. Thought know that like my life and the house of cards we will always have to be careful as we represent both ourselves as well as the community. We have a growing community that is alive and thriving. I have a cafe press page that will have 'kin and pagan based designs. I am going to take suggestions on topics for this blog as well as design ideas that you guys would enjoy. Just e-mail me and put my blog name as the title of the e-mail and I will get back to you as soon as I can. I will see you all about. BB, Shilo

Dealing with things

As usual, I really really real I ought to apologize for my long absence as I have been working on ways to help with income and take care of my family. Things haven't been going as we'll as I would like and I am not entirely sure how to handle it as social interaction never was one of the things I excelled at. I know this sounds count intuitive for a psychology major, however my interest in psyc is in research, so interpersonal relations won't be such a major part of my ultimate career. However I do have to admit that it may be odd for an eventual investor to accept advice on a more pleasing store layout from some one who has very little clue of what to so in social settings. It also makes my current job 'interesting', but I digress. The real issue that has been plaguing me is apt he return of some serious depression. I have never been formally diagnosed, and quite frankly I don't have the money to seriously invest in my mental health at this point in time. My family and I are barely making ends meet and it has been quite a burden on all of us. I have been trying to invest some extra time and efforts into creating some additional revenue online, but as of late most of my projects haven't paid off in any way. I know I have enjoyed research projects in the past, but finding the time to post my skills online between taking care of my beautiful baby boy and work has been a challenge. Work and challenge, they go hand in hand no matter what you do, however I am convinced that the store I work at is a black hole, collapsing in and bringing in some of the most bizarre examples of human behavior possible. Do understand I am not intending to imply that my co-workers and managers are less than I, or that any one is less of a person for any reason. It is simply that the amount of insane soci-political drama has reached the point of stupidity usually reserved for middle school. We are having yet another meeting this upcoming Saturday to discuss the insane amount of drama in the store. It is also gng to introduce a new system to evaluate employees. A merit system that will award points, and take them for certain behaviors, hopefully it will decrees the drama. I do know one thing, a change of career is definitely something I need, the only way to move up in the world of KFC is to get into management, and managing people is just not something I have any interest in. I enjoy managing ideas and concepts, people are just too odd, in my opinion and their motives are often not things that I really think of. I really do hope to get back.to my degree soon, but until then, it's just doing the best I can with all I can. Blessed be, and see you all about. Shilo